Los Angeles I'm yours.

Hmmm, Wednesday's post was slightly morose and waxing too much on things that could have been, and Thanksgiving was cool, and I am enjoying the world!

That being said, I woke up this morning to a temperature of 13 degrees..... It was like 60 last week, but now it's 30. I sometimes hate Chicago, and I wonder why after all of my life, I haven't left for a warmer climate. I always claim that it's my various responsibilities and commitments that keep me here, but I think it's more that the opportunity has never presented itself in a way I would find palatable. Usually, When I have no job and my other ties are feeling a little strangulating, I don't have the resources to fund an outright move to another State of this wacked out Union. At the same time, I really enjoy the work I do at the Bristol Renaissance Faire (I direct and perform with the group that play's all of the courtiers of Queen Elizabeth) It's been an odd passion of mine for some 13 years now... I also enjoy my commitments to Big Noise Theatre, which used to be Winnetka Theatre By the way....And I am actually going to be Producing a Musical for Children, and Costuming what is sure to be a tank at the box office, Jane Eyre the Musical.

A brief sidenote here.... Who the hell thought it was a good idea to make Jane Eyre into a musical? I can only wait to see if there is some sort of 11th hour song sung by the guy Jane Eyre Falls for, Lamenting the fact he has one eye and a limp. I frankly can't believe we are doing it... but we still try to remain artistic with our show selections.

I would love to get out of Chicago, if anything so that I will no longer be able to tell anyone how to get around by public transportation. I always seemed to be a magnet for those downtown who for one reason or another, could not understand their bright and laminated tourist maps showing exactly where everything you can enjoy for over 15 dollars is. I also crave the differences a new place has. I went on a road trip to Galveston 2 years ago to go on a Cruise, and I totally dug Galveston, and even more so, Key West. I have found a mecca to move to when I retire anyway, that is for sure, and I better start saving now because in Key West a 4 pack of Frappucino costs like $7.50, so you can just imagine what an apartment goes for!

I have many friends who have travelled all over, and are still travelling. for some reason though, they all return to the greater Chicago/M'woky area when they're in-between ashrams. Many of them have little if any money, and a few have wound up teaching English in India and Korea.... They return happy and content, having lived in a slum for months on end, and I envy them. I think I have long past the place in my life where I could live in a room with a hole for a toilet. I am just not that adventurous anymore. I need my DVD's and coca cola, and some fine indie post alterno hipster rock to entertain me. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with what my friends do, and that there isn't a small part of me that wishes I could do that, but I am tied to Chicago like I am in some sort of Bizarre Bondage Flick.

I am noticing as well that the older I get, the more set in my ways I become, and the realization dawns on me that I am less and less likely to pick up and go without an assurance of what is ahead of me. I might go on a vacation, but I'd never truly stay anywhere, and would always return home, if anything because a Christmas tree in California has always looked stupid to me, And I've got a nine footer with all the trimmings known as "The Beacon". I hope to get away sometime, but I knos I'll always return to Chicago, no matter what, and I am hoping that someday the cold won't bother me anymore.

It's a nice dream...... :-)

They say it fades, if you let it.....

I made a mistake a couple of years ago......

It's been on my mind for a while, almost since it happened, and it is one of those moments that happened in life where I've always felt it should have gone the complete other way, except for my stupidity, or misplaced dedication to something else that was far more broken than I could notice.

You see, I met "The One" once. And he was perfect. I have only ever fallen for 2 guys in my life fully. He was the second, and the better of the two I chose to let my heart out for. It is hard to explain how I knew, except that when we were laying around, watching some flicks, we seemed to melt into each other.... Like we were one. Kinda like that Hedwig and the Angry Inch song about the Glory of Love. I truly felt with him that he was that other half of me, lost out there in the ether and finally reunited. Alas, at the time of our initial collision, it was not to be.... While I could sense a connection, he wasn't in a relationship space. I understood, and we still had some crazy times here and there together. I however, seemed to want a relationship with anybody at the time, and after awhile, I fell for this other guy, and became a couple.
We had a decent connection at first, the basics were there. I would find out that while he had some of the aspects that I like in a guy, the whole package wasn't there. Besides the first month, when lust blinds you to the issues, there just was not that connection. I knew it then, and I still knew it when we finally broke up a few weeks ago. I knew it the whole 3 years We were together that he really was not who I was destined to be with, and alot of times, I pined for that out of reach (Even more so) guy with the snappy banter, witty conversation, and interest in art, Music, and interesting things, that I had known should be the one.
About a year into my doomed 3 year run, The Boyfriend and I were at a bad place. Well, at least I was with him. I had been supporting him in one way or another through a string of lousy jobs for the past year, and he was not pulling his weight, nor was there anything goin on in the sack. He put me in the awful position of having to tell him to shape up, get a job, or we were done. I actually did dump him that night, but, as we lived together, I wound up taking him back the next day. I think I didn't want to be alone, and it was easier.
Now, This was my first mistake, and led to the big one. I knew that I would never be happy with the Boyfriend, but I had some sort of thought in my head that I needed him. At the same time, I still talked regularly with that cool Lakeview guy, and our online chat was getting more flirtatious. Even though I was still with the Boyfriend (although the Lakeview guy knew nothing of it) I agreed to go out to Dinner with Lakeview guy.

It was awesome! He took me on what was really, in some ways, my first date-date with a guy. Asked me out to dinner at a nice restaurant, I picked him up, we sat, ate and talked, had a suave time, and then went back to his place for a little r&r as it were. It was the happiest night of my life, and it seemed that the connection was totally there. I knew I was still with the boyfriend, but at the moment, there seemed a possibility, one that I had almost given up on. Lakeview guy totally had me that night... I would have stayed forever, but I did have to get home... I had some small pangs of guilt that night, but nothing bad.... We talked on the phone more, me and lakeview guy, and I think the bf was minorly suspicious. Lakeview Guy and I wound up getting together, ostensibly to "hang out", but he had been thinking of me alot since our night out to dinner, and we never made it out of the apartment. This was when the guilt slapped me in the face. I couldn't do this to my boyfriend, I told myself. I had made some sort of commitment, and I had to honor it. I made a lame excuse that night saying that I had to be home early, and I slinked back home, feeling like the cheater that I was, with all the guilt associated with it. I didn't call Lakeview guy or talk to him again for a long while, and he never called me or emailed me either. After all that time that he wasn't wanting a relationship, I think this time he did, and I wasn't at a place where I could do it, and I blew my chance.

I have wished many times that I could tell him. His number was still in my Address book in my Cell, I still had his email, finding that out when I did a blanket email asking for addresses for christmas cards that I never sent, and he replied. I often felt that I left that burden on Lakeview guy, that he wasn't good enough for me, when I wanted more than anything to spend every second with him.

I still do too....

He is an inspiration for this Blog in a way. I google him every once in a while and I found his Blog. He's had a boyfriend for the past year or so, seems happy, and the pic of him gave me a pang. He'll probably never know how he affected me, and probably doesn't have a warm place for me in his feelings anymore, but, if he is happy, I can live with that.

He'll probably never know about any of this either unless he finds this blog, and maybe this is my way of trying to clear the air, or maybe it's me grasping for what is again way out of reach, and has been completely unattainable except for those couple of nights in December 2 years ago, when I chose the wrong path before me, because it seemed the right thing to do.

I miss him.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody, Don't Eat too much!

One, You lock the Target.....

Ah! Tuesday! Monday's Bastard Cousin. I caught up on all the sleep I normally lose going back to the 9 to 5 world from my penchant for staying up late all weekend, so I am oddly energized. I think it's this flavored coffee that flows so freely at work though that has my brain racing...

So, Yesterday, I was hangin with my friend Elise. I won't say too much about her except that we've been friends for 15 years, and we've shared things that I since gave up long ago. She has recently been in her own personal renaissance, remolding herself into a new adult. She is eschewing some aspects of aging, and instead dressing younger, feeling younger, looking better than I think she ever has, and losing a bunch of weight in the process. I am very proud of her accomplishments. With this newfound energy and vitality, plus her own recent Relationship end, she has found herself travelling the concert circuit of her favorite band, and thus getting lots of new clothes and stuff to adorn her new, more svelte frame. Now, Elise freely admits, she will always be an imposing woman as it were, but it does have it's advantages. Due to a recent slip up and unfamiliarity with English shoe sizes, I received an Early Christmas Present from her of a swank pair of 14 hole, Cherry Red Doc Martens. Ah! Doc Martens! With that Air Cushioned Sole!

Sliding into this fresh new pair of boots, straigh lacing them as I learned to over 15 years back, It made me reminisce. I used to wear Docs all the time... exclusively. I had Blue 10 holes, Black 10 and 8 holes, Oxblood Steel Toe 3 holes, Doc Wingtips.... I used to love Doc Martens....But, I kinda gave them up a few years back, when they stopped making my favorite kind. I never had though, and always wanted a pair of 14 hole cherry red steel toe boots. SUre, I'm older now, but they are still comfortable, and what a pair of s**t kickers they are!

I had a friend, who, as so often happens, I lost contact with some 3 or 4 years ago, Jenifer. We were about the same age, and when I still lived with my Mom and was in High School, we hung out all the time. She used to have a pair of similar boots, and it was a fateful night at Medusa's (an underage Juice Bar in Chicago at the Time) where she had them stolen from her at knifepoint or something similar. That memory always stuck with me, and I remembered hangin in the Band Room there, which was dark for the evening, sitting with her, Ozu, Sandy, Spider, and Jenifer's Boyfriend Mark the Skinhead, while she fretted about what she would tell her Dad when he came to pick us up later that evening. When he did come, we had decided the best way to get around it was to not tell him, so Jen ran to the car and hopped in the back without her dad seeing, and the rest of us all piled in. We got about a half block in the post Medusa's Traffic Nightmare on Sheffield, when all of a sudden, Jenifer bluerted out that she saw the people who took her boots, and she and her Boyfriend Mark booked from the car to try and get them back, leaving Me and our other friends in the car to explain what happened to us that night. She never did get the boots back, and I don't know if Mark and his friends ever gave those a-holes the ass-whipping they deserved... But that night always stuck in my memory.

Nowadays I find it amazing just how close we sometimes got to being killed, arrested, you name it! I have few regrets, except that those days aren't here anymore, and in some instances, I can now relive those memories while struttin around in my brand new boots.

Once more! Out in my Breeches!

Well, here it is.... Finally, I am in the Blogosphere. I've been encouraged by friends, taunted by enemies, and inspired by a few choice other bloggers over the years, to get my own personal voice in the wilderness. A daunting task it is to keep all of you masses entertained with my rantings, but I will at least give it the attempt it deserves before chucking this all into the dustbin.

So... Just who the heck am I, and why should you care? Well, to answer the second question first, I have no idea... I mean, I know it could be that you are simply a life voyeur, living vicariously through my existence, (If you are having fun... let me know, because on this end it isn't all that exciting at times.) or, you just have nothing better to do, or you know me, in which case you'll find out way too much about me. I'm really just looking forward to the opportunity to vent, and if you dig what I have to say, then there is my raison d'etre as it were (Reason for being for the frenchelly challenged).

Answering the first question second, because I enjoy the contradiction, That is just who I am, a man of contradiction. I enjoy the confusion that I create sometimes, if only because life is short, and I like befuddling people. I am a thouroughly happy gay man, who is sometimes unhappy, and usually not a ringer for being a big mo. I am sappy sometimes, a jokester, a hipster, a punk. I'm an actor, director, producer, theatrical type, with a lust for period clothes... so I make them. I'm a renaissance man.....No, literally. I play a 16th century Baron every summer at the Bristol Renaissance Faire. I am single and have a cat.... although this is a more recent arrangement(the single, not the cat), and more will follow on that I'm sure. I am a musician, a singer, an instrument player, and dig singin on stage when I get the chance. I am a born and bred Chicagoan, and, since I haven't gotten out yet, I'll probably die here. I should say as well at this time that I am a North Sider, and a life long city guy. Any attempt to get me to the suburbs has failed. I work in the 9 to 5 world at a desk job that pays me enough to live decently, although that too is a recent development. (Well, I mean I've had jobs, but this one is new....)I am sure there is more that I cannot think of at this time, but I'll get to it eventually.

So, now that you know a little about me, perhaps I'll delve into what I'm doing out here anyway... Why I think you'll read, and what the point is.... I had a bit of an epiphany this year as my life imploded around me. I turned 30 back in January, and the whole thing slowly turned to crap. Flash back to a year ago, I was happily employed (Well, sorta happily... the kind of forced happy that you put on for your relatives). I was in a relationship that had been going for 2 years, and although it had it's rocky moments, it was doing better than the year before. The money thing was a small issue, as I was supporting my Boyfriend at the time, but was able to enjoy life. I was looking forward to 30. I figured, it's not that bad.... it's just a day like any other. I held that belief up until the day of my birthday. Boy, that was a funk to end all funks!

I should interject at this point to state that my Birthday is January 6th.... the 12th day of Christmas. By the time my birthday comes around, everyone is poor from Christmas, and has gotten as drunk as they can already a week before my Birthday at New Years....So the parties aren't usually Zingin around the day I slid out of this world 2 weeks late. (I am still trying to make up for that 2 weeks too. I'm still about 20 minutes late...)

So, I turned thirty, and since then, some good stuff has happened, but I lost the job I had gotten in January to replace the Job I hated, and most recently, lost the Boyfriend I had tried for years to get to show some interest in a life with me. Well, to be honest, the spark was gone for about 6 months, but we kept on keepin on.... for the cats you know. We're working on being friends at least, but it's tough sometimes.... I mean, we barely talked before... now it seems even more forced. But, Don't want to give him up completely... there's still a use here and there. More on him at another time..... As you enjoy my issues.

Anyway, losing him and being on my own without a roommate or Boyfriend for the first time in 7 years has been a godsend. I'll be moving out of my big apartment to something smaller and cheaper in the near future, and I think 31 will fare quite a bit better than 30. knock on wood anyway. I am at least looking forward to all the dishes in the sink being mine, if not necessarily the thought that the cat could eat my face off were I to perish in an untimely way. The past few months have altered my perceptions a bit, and so I am feeling like letting loose to you, my happy few, when you show up, on whatever the heck happens to be in my mind that day.

Why Police Disco Lights? If you get the obscure reference, then you shoot to the top of the list. If you don't... well, a guy's gotta have his mysteries... I'll tell you later.

For now, I will leave you, as I really should get to work... I've been goofing off for too long, and my coffee has gone cold. But, I will be back as often as I can to give you all some fodder to spread.