They say it fades, if you let it.....

I made a mistake a couple of years ago......

It's been on my mind for a while, almost since it happened, and it is one of those moments that happened in life where I've always felt it should have gone the complete other way, except for my stupidity, or misplaced dedication to something else that was far more broken than I could notice.

You see, I met "The One" once. And he was perfect. I have only ever fallen for 2 guys in my life fully. He was the second, and the better of the two I chose to let my heart out for. It is hard to explain how I knew, except that when we were laying around, watching some flicks, we seemed to melt into each other.... Like we were one. Kinda like that Hedwig and the Angry Inch song about the Glory of Love. I truly felt with him that he was that other half of me, lost out there in the ether and finally reunited. Alas, at the time of our initial collision, it was not to be.... While I could sense a connection, he wasn't in a relationship space. I understood, and we still had some crazy times here and there together. I however, seemed to want a relationship with anybody at the time, and after awhile, I fell for this other guy, and became a couple.
We had a decent connection at first, the basics were there. I would find out that while he had some of the aspects that I like in a guy, the whole package wasn't there. Besides the first month, when lust blinds you to the issues, there just was not that connection. I knew it then, and I still knew it when we finally broke up a few weeks ago. I knew it the whole 3 years We were together that he really was not who I was destined to be with, and alot of times, I pined for that out of reach (Even more so) guy with the snappy banter, witty conversation, and interest in art, Music, and interesting things, that I had known should be the one.
About a year into my doomed 3 year run, The Boyfriend and I were at a bad place. Well, at least I was with him. I had been supporting him in one way or another through a string of lousy jobs for the past year, and he was not pulling his weight, nor was there anything goin on in the sack. He put me in the awful position of having to tell him to shape up, get a job, or we were done. I actually did dump him that night, but, as we lived together, I wound up taking him back the next day. I think I didn't want to be alone, and it was easier.
Now, This was my first mistake, and led to the big one. I knew that I would never be happy with the Boyfriend, but I had some sort of thought in my head that I needed him. At the same time, I still talked regularly with that cool Lakeview guy, and our online chat was getting more flirtatious. Even though I was still with the Boyfriend (although the Lakeview guy knew nothing of it) I agreed to go out to Dinner with Lakeview guy.

It was awesome! He took me on what was really, in some ways, my first date-date with a guy. Asked me out to dinner at a nice restaurant, I picked him up, we sat, ate and talked, had a suave time, and then went back to his place for a little r&r as it were. It was the happiest night of my life, and it seemed that the connection was totally there. I knew I was still with the boyfriend, but at the moment, there seemed a possibility, one that I had almost given up on. Lakeview guy totally had me that night... I would have stayed forever, but I did have to get home... I had some small pangs of guilt that night, but nothing bad.... We talked on the phone more, me and lakeview guy, and I think the bf was minorly suspicious. Lakeview Guy and I wound up getting together, ostensibly to "hang out", but he had been thinking of me alot since our night out to dinner, and we never made it out of the apartment. This was when the guilt slapped me in the face. I couldn't do this to my boyfriend, I told myself. I had made some sort of commitment, and I had to honor it. I made a lame excuse that night saying that I had to be home early, and I slinked back home, feeling like the cheater that I was, with all the guilt associated with it. I didn't call Lakeview guy or talk to him again for a long while, and he never called me or emailed me either. After all that time that he wasn't wanting a relationship, I think this time he did, and I wasn't at a place where I could do it, and I blew my chance.

I have wished many times that I could tell him. His number was still in my Address book in my Cell, I still had his email, finding that out when I did a blanket email asking for addresses for christmas cards that I never sent, and he replied. I often felt that I left that burden on Lakeview guy, that he wasn't good enough for me, when I wanted more than anything to spend every second with him.

I still do too....

He is an inspiration for this Blog in a way. I google him every once in a while and I found his Blog. He's had a boyfriend for the past year or so, seems happy, and the pic of him gave me a pang. He'll probably never know how he affected me, and probably doesn't have a warm place for me in his feelings anymore, but, if he is happy, I can live with that.

He'll probably never know about any of this either unless he finds this blog, and maybe this is my way of trying to clear the air, or maybe it's me grasping for what is again way out of reach, and has been completely unattainable except for those couple of nights in December 2 years ago, when I chose the wrong path before me, because it seemed the right thing to do.

I miss him.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody, Don't Eat too much!